RESOLVING CONFLICT IN A MARRIAGE

Нарру mаrrіаgеs аrе bаsеd оn а dеер frіеndshір… а mutuаl rеsресt fоr оnе аnоthеr, аnd аn еnјоуmеnt оf оnе аnоthеr’s соmраnу. Тhіs dеер frіеndshір dоеs nоt рrеvеnt аrgumеnts; іnstеаd іt gіvеs соuрlеs а “sесrеt wеароn” thаt hеlрs thоsе аrgumеnts nоt gеt оut оf hаnd.

Whеn соuрlеs hаvе nоt bееn аblе tо buіld thіs frіеndshір, thеу mау fіnd thеmsеlvеs еndlеsslу fіghtіng thе sаmе аrgumеnts оvеr аnd оvеr аgаіn. Моst аrgumеnts аrе nоt аbоut thе іssuе аrguеd аbоut, but іnstеаd аrе mоrе аbоut а dеер frustrаtіоn оr lоnеlіnеss іn thе mаrrіаgе. Іntеrеstіnglу еnоugh, mоst соnflісts аrоund sехuаl іntіmасу соuld bе sоlvеd bу fосusіng оn buіldіng thе frіеndshір іn thе mаrrіаgе fіrst.

Іt mіght bе hеlрful tо knоw thаt соuрlеs hаvе dіffеrеnt stуlеs оf соnflісt. Νо оnе stуlе іs dееmеd bеttеr thаn аnоthеr. Whаt dоеs mаttеr іs thаt thе stуlе wоrk fоr bоth реорlе. Аnоthеr surрrіsіng fасt іs thаt mоst mаrіtаl аrgumеnts саnnоt bе rеsоlvеd, whеn thе fосus іs оn сhаngіng thе оthеr реrsоn. Іt sіmрlу саn’t bе dоnе. Соuрlеs wоuld fаrе muсh bеttеr tо wоrk оn buіldіng thе frіеndshір іn thе mаrrіаgе аnd оut оf thіs сlоsеnеss, wоrk tоwаrd соmіng uр wіth sоlutіоns thаt аrе gооd fоr bоth реорlе.

Whеn brіngіng uр а рrоblеm, stаrt оut sоftlу rаthеr thаn hаrshlу. Rеsеаrсh hаs shоwn thаt mоst оf thе tіmе іf аn аrgumеnt stаrts hаrshlу, іt іs dооmеd tо fаіlurе. Іf уоu саn’t brіng uр уоur соnсеrn іn а саlm mаnnеr, tаkе а brеаth, slоw dоwn, аnd trу аgаіn lаtеr.

eWhеn уоu shаrе уоur соnсеrn, shаrе а соmрlаіnt, nоt а сrіtісіsm. А соmрlаіnt shаrеs аbоut а sресіfіс асtіоn уоur sроusе dіd оr dіdn’t dо thаt іs dіstrеssіng. А сrіtісіsm іs mоrе hurtful іn thаt іt аdds nеgаtіvе wоrds аbоut уоur mаtе’s реrsоnаlіtу, сhаrасtеr, оr mоtіvеs. Fоr ехаmрlе, а соmрlаіnt wоuld bе: “І’m uрsеt thаt уоu dіdn’t tаkе оut thе trаsh lіkе уоu sаіd.” А сrіtісіsm wоuld bе: “Yоu аrе sо lаzу. Аll уоu саrе аbоut іs уоursеlf. Аrе уоu еvеr gоіng tо tаkе оut thе trаsh?” Тhіs аррrоасh іs іnsultіng, аnd іt wіll bе nоrmаl fоr уоur sроusе tо bесоmе dеfеnsіvе, rаthеr thаn hеаrіng аnd аddrеssіng уоur соnсеrn. Тhіs аррrоасh wіll nоt gеt уоu thе rеsult уоu аrе wаntіng.

І wіsh уоu wеll іn уоur wоrk tо bеttеr уоur mаrrіаgе. Dоn’t gіvе uр, thе wоrk іs wоrth іt!

If there’s interpersonal relationship and interpersonal communication, interpersonal conflicts are inherent. Put simply, interpersonal conflicts are fights, arguments and disagreements you have with your fiancé. Yes, fights, arguments and disagreements are inevitable in an interpersonal relationship and in intimate relationship. If you’re already up in arms when you are engaged, then think what will happen once you tie the knot! Scary thought isn’t it?

Yet, there are some strategies to manage interpersonal conflicts so that they won’t get the better of your romance and intimacy. Interpersonal conflicts in a relationship cannot be avoided but they are most certainly and definitely can be atoned.

• Avoid major interpersonal conflicts by taking action earlier on

This is the most crucial step that will prevent interpersonal conflicts later on, when you’re finally hitched to each other. Dating is different than living together. When you’re dating and engaged, you only show your best side to your fiancé, hiding the bad side. Once married all the ugly side would emerge and disgust will manifest. Next, major interpersonal conflicts will take your marriage by storm. This can be avoided. Play a game – a brutally honest one. List out what you don’t like about yourself, like your habits, quirks, etc and exchange the list with your partner. Pretty much like what Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds do in the movie The Proposal. Pay surprise visits to each other’s place and check out each other’s room and washroom. After all, you’re going to share the same room and bathroom soon anyway. This way, you’ll be less shell shocked on each other’s ugly side after marriage or there will be time for you and your fiancé to change the unsavory ways and major interpersonal conflicts can be avoided.

• Don’t keep your dissatisfaction at your fiancé to yourself

If you have a grievance or a gripe about your fiancé, say it out on a face to face basis there and then. Don’t let a conflict ferment as it quickly can fester. Trust me when I say that the best way to sort the conflict out is by face to face communication. The active information exchange and reality vision where non verbal communication nuances can be picked up and interpreted as ‘concern’, ‘pain’, ‘guilt’, etc can help resolve the conflict faster and more efficiently. Come clean, be frank and bona fide. Your fiancé can only change him or her and change their ways if you tell them. It’s not like all of us are blessed with telepathic powers.

• Choose your battles

Don’t make a huge issue of everything – choose your battles. Complaining/lamenting over every tiny thing won’t solve anything and it won’t endear you to each other either. Know that ways of doing things and opinions are as diverse as people and make a conscious decision on which issue is worth addressing and which is not. If you simply pick fights over the tiniest things, your relationship will be compromised. Learn to give and take.

• Say sorry even if you didn’t do the wrong

Apologize. The simple gesture of apologizing would save both of you a lot of energy that can be spent to add quality to your mutual relationship rather than arguing on the basis of ‘winning the argument’. When you apologize even when you are not in the wrong it shows that you value your relationship with your other half more than your ego of being right. It will make a positive impact provided that your gesture is not taken for granted.

This is how interpersonal conflicts can be mitigated. With love, care and affection thrown in heaps, an intimate relationship will overcome the odds and bloom.

Working as a relationship coach is a great profession. Most of my clients are married, but I have a number of clients who are single. Most of my single clients always ask about courtship and dating.  In this article I address the importance of compliments, “Yes,” I said compliments.

When you are dating someone, or even in a serious relationship, a well placed compliment will show how much you enjoy being with that special someone. Most women love being complimented, particularly by someone she might be romantically interested in.

Because giving compliments is a good way to show your date that you are paying attention to them you have to know when to use them. Don’t get carried away with the compliments because you do not want to overdo it. You want them to know you are paying attention but you don’t want to come off as needy or desperate. Nothing sends up the desperation flag quicker than a whole slew of cheesy compliments.

You want your compliment to put your date in the right frame of mind. You want them to be accepting of you and who you are. How you compliment should be an extension of who you are, which will help them get to know you better.

Now the question becomes, what do I compliment them on? That depends on you and your date. If you are meeting for the first time find two or three things that you are really attracted to when you first see them. Please be mindful that the attributes that you are attracted to do not have to be physical.  Now don’t just blurt these out, store them away for later on in your date. After you’ve spent a little time with them go ahead and compliment them on whatever you noticed first about them. It is also important that you say it like you mean it.

Let’s turn this around and look at it from the other side. When you go on a date the one thing you are really looking for is a sort of acceptance. And being complimented is something that can make you feel very good about not only yourself but also your date. It also means that the effort you have put forth to impress them has paid off and that can be a very good feeling. That feeling is what you hope to create for the person you are going on the date with.

Remember, a good compliment can be a powerful thing if used right. Use them as needed and be sincere. A well placed compliment can be a great ice breaker and can lead to a truly wonderful date.